Jose Hilario is a 35-year-old criminal currently in prison on child pornography charges who says his “heart hurts” because Taylor Swift “stole his life story” and used it as inspiration for her most recent album, 1989.
Naturally — to aid his achy, breaky heart — he’s suing her for $100 million.
Um, you’re kidding, us, right?
They say Taylor Swift doesn’t know how to write about anything but boys and breakups — but is it possible her songs are really about a man who gets arrested after he’s found in possession of illegal images of minors partaking in sexually explicit conduct?
We’ve seen Taylor Swift’s crazy eyes. And we would not mess with them… Courtesy of Getty.
Maybe there are uncut versions of Taylor Swift’s songs that we don’t know about. Like, “I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In… The Court Room,” or “We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together (You Know, Because of the Restraining Order).”
Oh wait. We’re talking about “1989.” So, hits like, “Welcome to New York… Federal Correctional Center,” “Bad Blood (vs. the Equally Bad Crips or Whatever Gangs They Have in Prison These Days)” or “All You Had to Do Was Stay — The Hell Away From Taylor Swift.”
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In case you’re wondering, he says he met Taylor via Skype in 2008. At the time, she was 18-years-old and “lonely and sad” and sought Hilario out because “she needed someone to chat with.”
From there, he says they met face-to-face at a Rhode Island mall, where she supposedly promised to “help him with his legal problems and that she would write and sing songs about him.”
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Apparently she did not keep her promise. Maybe it’s because she’s a backstabbing Indian giver. Or maybe it’s because because this whole thing is made up. We can’t say for sure.
Anyway, he says he’ll drop the $100 million lawsuit if Taylor just agrees to help him and “restore their friendship.”
Oh, and also, he wants her to introduce him to Miley Cyrus, because YOLO.
Taylor’s like, “You have to meet my friend! He’s great!” But Miley’s all, “Uh, leave me out of this…” Courtesy of Getty.
The good news is he’s locked away in the slammer until May 2019.
Anyway, if you want to go to court against Taylor Swift but, y’know, you don’t want to be a criminal or come up with some elaborate story about how she stole your life story to write an album — you can just try to make a Christmas ornament or a toothbrush with the phrase “party like it's 1989” — because apparently Taylor trademarked that phrase, among others.
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In the meantime, we’re going to stop getting down and out about this liar and other dirty, dirty cheats of the world — and instead just get down to This. Sick. Beat.
Whatever, Taylor. Sue Us. You have bigger fish to fry. You know what they say… Crazies are gonna be cray, cray, cray…
'Radar Online' broke news of the lawsuit.