On The Girls Next Door, Holly Madison seemed to be living the dream life behind the gates of the Playboy mansion. As Hugh Hefner’s No. 1 girlfriend, her life seemed to be picture-perfect — little did fans know that she was contemplating suicide at the time.
Just months after she opened about the depression she experienced then, the 35-year-old is telling all in her upcoming memoir, Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny, which hits shelves on June 23.
(Photo Credit: Dey Street Books)
In the pages of her forthcoming book, the mom-of-one recalls taking a bath in 2002 and thinking, “If I just put my head under water and take a deep breath in, it would all be over.”
According to excerpts obtained by People, the “depths of [her] own depression” led her to suicidal thoughts.
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“Maybe it was the pot and the alcohol, but drowning myself seemed like the logical way to escape the ridiculous life I was leading,” she writes.
“I just couldn’t take my misery anymore. Of course my family would be devastated, but I rarely saw them enough for my absence to make a difference.”
Holly with Hugh Hefner and fellow ‘Girls Next Door’ stars Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson. (Photo Credit: Getty Images)
She remembers thinking that the other Playmates — with the exception of pal Bridget Marquardt — wouldn’t even miss her. Worst of all, she shares her startling realization about Hef, 89.
“Would he even miss me? No, I was certain I was just another warm body — as we all were,” she writes. “'Just another blonde,' I could hear him say.”
Minnie Mouse Clubhouse! Blondie by @shantelhairwhisperer @platinumentouragelv A photo posted by Holly Jean Madison (@hollymadison) on Apr 21, 2015 at 10:01am PDT
Minnie Mouse Clubhouse! Blondie by @shantelhairwhisperer @platinumentouragelv
A photo posted by Holly Jean Madison (@hollymadison) on Apr 21, 2015 at 10:01am PDT
Thankfully, Holly got out when she did. And now she’s happier than ever — with Pasquale Rotella, her husband of nearly two years, and their two-year-old daughter, Rainbow Aurora.
“Thankfully the only thing greater than my need to escape was my desire to share my experience,” she writes. “If I ever sunk my head below the water and went to sleep, no one would ever know the truth.”