Actually landing a gig in a reality show
— let alone your own reality TV show — can be tricky. Luckily, it doesn’t take much work to just fake it ’til you make it and live like one without all of the cameras. Well, not without any cameras. To live like a reality star, you need to be constantly snapping shots even when you’re not filming anything. So charge up that phone, hunt down a fancy camera (or maybe pick up one of those trendy pastel Polaroids), and let’s get to work.
Step One: Move to Los Angeles
Look, you’re just a fake reality star, not an actual star, okay? The roles and the cameras aren’t going to come to you. And even if you had actually won 1/22 of $1,000,000 on MTV’s Are You The One?, you still wouldn’t be set for life. If you want the real money, you have to get lucky and score something like a Teen Mom gig which can guarantee you a few years of work. But since you don’t actually have your own show yet, well, fake it ’til you make it. And that means moving to LA to make yourself available for any future red carpets or opportunities.
Step Two: Always Be At The Beach
And, BTW, ideally you have a bangin’ beach bod to go with those sandy shores and white-capped waves, because sexy swimsuit photos are a reality TV star’s best friend. Enlist a buddy to be your resident photographer — and then make sure to very obviously give them photo credits on any Instagram you post. Reality TV stars always have that one photographer friend who only appears in photos in reflections. It may be a real photographer you’ve hired depending on what kind of sponsorships you’ve landed — but probably it’s just your friend.
Step Three: Start Snapchatting and Instagram Storying Everything
And we mean everything. Bonus points if you open all of your videos with, “Hey, guys…” like you’re addressing your very own audience and not just people who followed you for your hoe pics with the hopes that you’d also follow back so they can slide into your DMs. If you were a reality star, people might be interested in your life — what you wear, what brands you like, what you had for lunch — so go ahead and broadcast that before anybody asks. Also be sure to tag all your brands when you put up a new post. Even if a reality star doesn’t already have a sponsorship, they might still be able to score some freebies with a good shout out.
Step Four: Be Willing To Immediately Sell Out
Speaking of sponsored posts, you’ve got to live on the edge, willing to abandon all dignity for whatever brand comes calling. Not willing to sully your own name with a detox tea or magic zit cream? Bring a friend or family member into your partnership with you. Sure, you might not have lice — or maybe you just don’t want to admit it — but your kid has no real say in whether or not they participate, right? If you don’t have any kids, just borrow a niece or nephew for the day. Or, heck, enlist that kid you’re babysitting. You’ve got a side hustle, right? Every good reality star does — you know, just in case.
Step Five: Call Someone Out on Social Media
Being a reality TV star comes with its fair share of haters. Ignore them — they’re just jealous. Or, better yet, call them out and get in Twitter fights with them. Look, the cameras don’t show the real you, right? It’s all that editing. Forget that you’re not actually on a show and there aren’t really producers manipulating aspects of your life for viewers to see. Haters just don’t know the real you — even if, uh, they kind of do. Make sure to throw in a hashtag like #dontjudgeabookbyitscover or #myhatersaremymotivators. You know, just to show people who’s really in charge.
Step Six: Start F–king With Your Body
Sure, you already thought you looked hot. But now that you’ve seen all these pictures of yourself everywhere, you’re starting to think that you could get a little hotter. Lip filters? Let’s do it. A boob job? It’ll help fill out those bikini tops. Liposuction? Hey, a girl’s gotta eat — and squeeze into a bandage dress or crop top every night of the week. Besides, weight comes back, lip filters deflate, and boob jobs can be undone. None of this is permanent anyway, right? Let any real concerns be a future you problem.
Step Seven: Milk Your Minimal Fame For All It’s Worth
Going to the club? Call it an appearance and try to needle some free bottle service out of the venue. Hanging with a friend? Dub it a reunion — nostalgia always gets some likes. Always post throwback photos and reference your non-existent following from your non-existent TV show. Basically live that diva life — whether or not you’ve earned it. You’re a reality star, baby. You don’t need to have earned it.
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