We Can’t Get Over How Effing Absurd Courtney Stodden’s Entire Life Is

Now, naturally her biggest claim to fame was marrying 51-year-old Doug Hutchinson at 16.

Their origin story is deeply romantic, of course. Doug was teaching an acting workshop and aspiring star Courtney signed up. After a couple of months of courtship, Doug allegedly found out that Courtney was a literal child and made sure her parents gave him the OK on their relationship. Courtney's mother happily gave him her daughter's hand in marriage.

OH YEAH, FORGOT TO MENTION, the workshop was online so Doug proposed the first time they met in person.

A classy Las Vegas ceremony followed. The bride wore a bodycon mini.

Devoutly Christian Courtney continued to attend church with her husband…in matching platforms.

Ok, Doug's two-inch lifts don't look stripper pole ready, but Courtney definitely looks like she's getting sexy for Jesus right there.

The couple also spent the early aughts of their marriage reading hate-mail together.

We guess if you're a controversial couple like Doug and Court you might as well bond over all the flames and pitchforks people throw toward your relationship. A unique kind of love right there.

And Courtney spent all of her early post-marriage interviews making weird lizard faces at her new geriatric husband.

Like a bronzed Iguana with an exceptionally root-y looking weave, Courtney would always look at Doug with plenty of air licks and lip contortions. We think she was trying to be sexy? And given that she was, again, basically an infant at the time, it's not crazy to think she just Googled the phrase "how to be sexy" and just overexaggerated what it told her.

Or she Googled "how do Komodo dragons attract a mate," idk.

She later found herself in a love triangle with her mom, and aired out their grievances on (of course) a reality TV show.

Apparently Krista Keller, who gave the thumbs up on the whole marrying-a-51-year-old-man thing, was also involved in a sort of "emotional affair" with Doug Hutchinson. Oh, and allegedly Doug was also vying for a threesome with Courtney and Krista. "He was asking me to stay there with him and saying that he’s had fantasies of having both Courtney and me," Krista told Us Weekly. "And so when he started talking like that, I thought,' Oh, my God — this is headed in not a good direction.'" Wow, you think?

They later hashed it out on The Mother/Daughter Experiment: Celebrity Edition, instead of, you know, family therapy or something.

Finally "legal," Courtney was paid a million dollars for her sex tape ("sex tape")…and claimed she'd donate the money to charity.

Courtney Stodden and porn seemed like a match made in heaven, right? Weird that reviews suggest the Vivid feature "Courtney Uncovered" is just basically her melting ice cream on her boobs. Which like, we're pretty sure Courtney's had racier trips to Starbucks than that overview, but ok.

Anyway, Courtney vowed that she would take the money she maid and donate it to "kids with cancer" because she's an angel and a philanthropist.

A sprinkle-covered philanthropist.

Not satisfied to be just another pretty face, she's put out several extravagant songs, including a timeless Christmas carol.

The candy-colored tune that is "Mistletoe Bikini", where she gets whipped by an "elf" and calls Santa "daddy as f–k," is truly a masterpiece.

Continuing her philanthropic streak, Courtney routinely turns into a half-naked blood-covered cat-mouse for PETA.

Now that we're thinking it over, that sounds like a fairly normal PETA demonstration. Regardless, vegetarian Courtney always tries to go the extra mile for the organization. Lest we forget that one time she served up veggie dogs in a lettuce bikini!

She visited Marilyn Monroe's grave with a letter for the screen siren and it actually made us cry?!

No, really. Shortly after her miscarriage, Courtney made a visit to Marilyn's grave to honor the anniversary of the star's passing. In her letter, later shared on Instagram, Courtney expressed that her biggest wish was to meet the late Norma Jeane. "If I could bring you back for just one day, I'd tell you how much you're missed," she wrote. "We'd pop champagne and toast to this crazy old world. You'd tell me stories of how you were married at the tender age of 16 too, made love & experienced bitter losses. This world can be cold & cruel but in my saddest moments, I think of you & suddenly I'm filled with your light – your beautiful light!"

Why does this sound like Courtney's writing to her personal Santa Claus* and why are we sobbing??

*actually, she never called Marilyn "daddy AF," soooo…

Upon split number two from Doug, she hosted a fabulous Las Vegas divorce party.

The shindig featured a split-in-half cake with an old man on one side and a pole-dancing blonde on the other. However, it was not without reservations. "My friends are the ones who put [the party] together for me," Courtney confessed to Us Weekly. "It’s titled a ‘Divorce Party,’ but personally I’ve been going through a lot."

Awww, bb. Take another whack at the beanie-clad Doug-shaped piñata and we're sure you'll feel better.

And all the while, Courtney Stodden has always been true to herself…and her initial claim to fame.

When asked by impressionable youths what her secret to success was, Courtney mulled over the answer. "My big break…my 52-year-old husband," she giggled. "I don't know if you're familiar with my story, I was 16-years-old when I married a 50-year-old man."

Oh, we know, bb girl. Thanks for always keeping it real.

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