Alaskan Bush People Dates: Is Their Love Life Actually Normal?

If you’ve been living off in the Alaskan forests with the walruslike Billy Brown as your mentor, chances are you’re going to have some weird socialization skills. As such, it’s interesting to consider what dates are like for the Alaskan Bush People, and uh, how easy it is to acquire those dates. On-screen, it looks like a hot old mess filled with the most cringe-worthy interactions. In reality, there’s the slightest possibility that the Brown family members are doing dinner and a movie like the rest of us.

I mean, OK, even I have a hard time thinking you can find Bear Brown on Bumble and Netflix and chill seems strictly off the table when you’re living off the grid. But we know that Alaskan Bush People is a show about an eccentric family and a large amount of artifice. Yes, the Browntown rules to dating seem mostly outlandish, but when you consider they may not have ever lived in Alaska and all the scripted aspects of the show, you start to wonder if Noah Brown’s love interest is an actress. Which…she was.

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Real? Fake? Who knows. But between the wild antics of the show and the chill off-screen sight-seeing, here is what you could expect when you date a Brown man.

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So, what’s the perfect date night for a Browntown resident?

King of Extreme slash menace to society Bear Brown has a clear vision when it comes to a fabulous night out. “A perfect date would be you start in the woods and you make it to your skiff,” he explains in a confessional. “You go from your skiff to another island. And from that other island you find yourself a nice big treaty with room for two and you crawl up there, preferably around sunset.” Oh, uh, cute. This explanation is sandwiched between scenes of him “flirting” with a cashier at what looks like the bone store. Did you know deer meat is greasy? Well, now you do. Now we all do.

But how do you get a girl’s number for that initial outing?

Matt Brown shows us how it’s done as he chats up an uninterested cappuccino-swilling actress woman in one episode: telling the not-super-accurate history of the invention of the polka dot, juggling water bottles, and getting a laugh. Doesn’t matter what kind. “Laugh with me, laugh at me, I don’t care,” he says. Welp…good mentality to have, I guess.

But if you’re going to take a girl out, you have to ask her grandparents for permission first.

In a scene straight out of the 18th century, Noah asks Christie’s grandparents to take her out. It’s all according to his “code of honor,” you see. He assures them that his intentions are completely honorable and swears to protect her with his “meager life.” He manages to snag that date because that’s what the plot requires, but from what we can tell, it hits a wall after date number two i.e. drinking milkshakes and meeting Ami.

Noah mourned that “relationship” for a full year and even sang a song about it on another “date.”

Lots of quotes there because, like, we know what show this is. But yeah, one of the show’s highlights is when Noah gets set up (by the producers) with a mega-hot chick named Karryna who he “met on the beach.” He shows her the chicken coop where he lives (lolol), and then sings a song he wrote about Christie.
“You broke my heart like it was glass / But I fixed it now like you could never do, with a little tape and just a bit of glue.”

In hilarious contrast, Bam Bam Brown seems to have a normal love life.

Ever since Bam Bam linked up with producer girlfriend Allison Kagan and divorced himself from the rest of the Browns (so to speak), he’s been behaving aggressively average…at least on screen, and barring that whole ferry renovation thing. One thing I can’t get over is how when Bam Bam and Alli went to New Orleans and checked out the Mac-Gryder art gallery. Yup, just Bam Bam Brown, checking out the Françoise Gilot paintings at the art gallery. And when the pair flew to New York they had a wild time far from the wilderness — hearsay is the pair hit up some concerts and saw the Statue of Liberty, like proper tourists.

He even visited the tree at Rockefeller Center like every basic b—h around Christmas.

Seriously, our boy is a hard indicator that now the ABP don’t have to resort to awkward serenades when it comes to date night. Maybe what we’ve said before is true: Bam Bam is your best bet when it comes to dating. Or maybe the boys are just normal romantics when they’re not filming their show.