She’s gotten plenty of flack over the year for having three different kids from three different dads, but Kailyn Lowry doesn’t look back on her years as a Teen Mom star with regret. In fact, she attributes her becoming a teen mom with saving her. In her new book, A Letter of Love, she opens up about a lot of different aspects of her world — including alleged abuse from her ex Chris Lopez — and how her future might have lead her down a different path. Instead, she had her first son, Isaac, and it changed her life. 

“I know that people say things like that all the time, but Isaac saved me,” Kail writes in her book. “If I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t have realized the hard times that were in front of me. This could have taken me down a complete different path, more like my mother’s.”

Her relationship with her mom Suzi Irwin — or lack of one, really — has had a profound influence on Kail throughout her life, and she’s talked about it in her past books, too. Now, she’s also talking about how it affects her relationships with her own children. “I didn’t ever have an example of a mother or father when I was growing up,” she explains in the book. “Since I didn’t have a point of reference on how to love, I desperately want my boys to understand that I have tried to love them in the best way that I can.”

Having her sons changed her path — and she’s been working hard to make the right choices without having a good example to follow. At the same time, though, the Teen Mom 2 star knows she makes mistakes sometimes. Lately, she’s been working overtime to try and reconcile that knowledge with what she’s told herself in the past. Though she’s blamed her exes for plenty of her problems before, she’s trying to own up to her mistakes now.

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What a great wedding 😊🖤

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“As I reflected on all that has happened over the years, I began to consider the fact that I couldn’t make it work with any of my boys’ dads, not just Lux… Although painful to admit, I came to a place where I recognized and acknowledged that I am the common denominator,” she says. “Do you know how hard it is to admit to yourself that you’ve been the problem all along? It hurts like hell to know that all you’ve ever tried to do was to love, and it was to no avail… At times, I’ve been so close to happiness that I felt like I could reach out and touch it, but none of it has been real or enough to withstand the test of time.”

There’s still time for Kail to continue to work on herself and find someone special with whom she can actually make things work. And, just as importantly, there’s also still time to reconcile things with her mom, at least to a degree. In August, she opened up about potentially reconnecting with her mom on her podcast Coffee Convos. “I’m OK with her not being in my life, but now, I have three kids,” she said. “I want my kids to have a grandma on my side.”

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