So heartbreaking. Fans were so worried about Spice Girl Mel B after she appeared on her British singing competition series X Factor with multiple bruises all over her body back in December 2014. Now, Mel is being honest about why actually led to those bruises and it was because she attempted suicide by taking 200 pills just days before filming the finale of the TV show.

“Here I am, 39 years of age, staring in a mirror in the en-suite bathroom of my rented house in Kensington, London, holding an open bottle of aspirin from the stash I’ve stockpiled over the years, putting one pill after another into my mouth,” Mel wrote in an excerpt of her new autobiography, Brutally Honest, according to the Sun. “As each pill goes into my mouth, I ask myself: ‘Are you sure?’ And I take another one. Ten, 20, 50, 100. ‘Are you sure?'”

In the excerpt, Mel explained that it was Dec. 11, 2014, and she had just returned home from a dinner with her then-husband, Stephen. She explained that even though she was scheduled to walk the red carpet for the X Factor finale in a gorgeous gown with perfect makeup, she wanted “out” of her life because she felt “battered” in her marriage.

Mel, who is now 43, explained while she continued to down pills — she was up to a count of 150 total — she tried to scribble down a note to her oldest daughter Phoenix, whom she called her soulmate. “It was going to be up to her to get my other little girls, Angel and Madison, to Leeds where they could all live with my mum,” Mel wrote about Pheonix, who was 15 years old at the time.

The “Wannabe” singer said that once she swallowed the 200th pill, she realized that she didn’t want to actually die. “‘Now what’s going to happen, Melanie? STOP [sic]!’ As soon as I’d swallowed that last pill, I knew I didn’t want to go anywhere,” she wrote. “‘Melanie! What the f–k are you doing? Get a grip!'”

Mel said she tried to open the bathroom door, but she couldn’t get it to open. She started to throw her body against the door in an attempt to get out and get help. “Those bruises on my face and shoulder everyone saw at The X Factor final three days later — most of them were caused by those moments trapped in that doorway,” she wrote.

She said she blacked out, but thankfully, someone found Mel and was able to rush her to the hospital in time. She later explained that she deliberately decided to appear on the X Factor finale in a sleeveless dress, showing off her bruises without her wedding ring to send a message to Stephen. “I’m going to leave him, get a divorce,” she wrote. “I’m going to be free.”

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