If you're looking for the ultimate in cringe songs, just listen to a reality TV star's attempt at a music career. Whether you're a Teen Mom or Real Housewife of Anything, the second someone puts a camera on you, you start believing you have a shot at pursuing your real passion: singing. We're keen to believe that Paris Hilton and her notorious single "Stars Are Blind" was the one to kick off this trend, and yet that track is a legit masterwork when you compare it to the horrifying Kim Kardashiansong, "Jam (Turn It Up") or the abomination that is Farrah Abraham's "Blowin.'"
But don't just take our word for it. We curated a playlist made from reality celebs' pop "songs" that prove the stars are not only blind, but they're painfully tone deaf.
Kim Kardashian – "Jam (Turn It Up)"
There's nothing more melodious than hearing Kim's nasally voice croon, "Rosé up in the air, feeling good, feeling great, and they playin' my jam." Khloé's review of her sister's song says it all: "Mom, it’s haunting me for the rest of my life."
Farrah Abraham – "Blowin"
Farrah's Grammy-worthy song is all about how she's "famous" [side eye] now as she sings in her Twitter profile picture and goes clubbing in what seems to be her hometown's TGI Fridays.
Courtney Stodden – "Don't Put It On Me"
Inspirational: Courtney Stodden solves the problem of girl-on-girl jealously with her top-tier rapping skills. A moment of silence for the dog in the pink wig who was wrangled into this mess.
Alana Thompson — "Movin' Up"
We don't count Alana, Mama June, and the rest of the fam's song as a serious stab at Billboard's Top 100 list… We're just glad that at long last, you too can do the Honey Boo Boo bop.
Kenya Moore — "Gone With The Wind Fabulous"
True art, some imitation. There's a nearly a two-minute intro of The Real Housewives of Atlanta star recreating her vicious fight with Porsha Williams, here played by Shangela of RuPaul's Drag Race's. And then we're treated to scenes of middle-aged women re-doing the "Single Ladies" dance. It'll make you feel like you're back at your cousin's wedding reception.
Porsha Williams — "Flatline"
Meanwhile, Porsha's music video almost borders on… well, "decent" is a generous word, and it certainly lacks the camp value of "Gone With the Wind Fabulous." But it's listenable, as in we listened to it, and are fine if we never have to do that again.
Heidi Montag — "Higher"
We are 99% certain that she got Spencer to just shoot her rolling around on the beach with his camera phone. It's a sophisticated premise she resurrected with her 2010 release, "Blackout."
Kim Zolciak – "Tardy for the Party"
Ok, the Real Housewives of Atlanta stars are just f–king with us at this point, right?
Kendra Wilkinson – "Lost In Space"
It's a little sad that the least awkward part of this music video is the scenes from the 1965 sci-fi sitcom Lost In Space.
Paris Hilton – "The Stars Are Blind"
And now that everything's all said and done, Paris' weird "Tide Is High" rip-off definitely sounds a lot sweeter in the rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia.