It's baffling that I can't hear Courtney Stodden moan "Kiss me underneath my mistletoe bikini," blasting in malls everywhere this December. Maybe in the trash fire that was 2016 you missed when the Earth Angel released her sensational seasonal track. If so, now is the time to treat yourself, because "Mistletoe Bikini" is a Christmas masterpiece that slays "Sleigh Ride," decks "Deck the Halls," and makes "O Holy Night" sound like a chorus of dying cats.

Think I'm being a little aggro? Whatever. But there are legitimate reasons why "Mistletoe Bikini" should be celebrated this holiday season.

But first, let's break this Christmas classic down.

rhinestone bikini

"Hey, it's Courtney Cane, and I've been a very bad girl all year," she coos into the camera, breasts bedazzled with a string of rhinestones. There's like, no reason that Courtney needs to adopt that half-a–ed Christmas moniker. There's no reason Courtney needs to do anything she does, she just does it to add a glimmer of frivolity to a dark and searingly painful world.

courtney stodden and friend

We then segue to Courtney reading her Christmas list to her random friend, Snowflake Eyebrows. Snowflake Eyebrows is legit giddy about Courtney confessing to a Christmas Crush on St. Nick, like he thinks (rightfully so) that this is the greatest thing to happen in the history of the world. As for Santa Claus' reaction to the news…

santa claus and courtney stodden

He's taking it well.

But let's unpack the lyrics, because it's all gold.

courtney stodden candy candy

First, there's the chorus, which has a hell of a hook:

"So, kiss me under my mistletoe bikini, tastes so sweet, like a candy cane martini, lock me up with your cinnamon tongue, don't stop, Santa, here I come"

THE GROTESQUE IMAGERY ON THIS IS REMARKABLE. Like, I recommend not overthinking it because you'll need a thorough brain scrub after, but wow. "Cinnamon tongue." That is something.

Apparently, Courtney is successful in her efforts to bed Santa Claus, because pretty soon she's penning him an entirely different letter:

"Dear Santa, last night was amazing, the way you slid into my DMs had me melting"

mrs claus

Wow, guys. Santa Claus sees Courtney when she's sleeping, knows when she's awake, and is still messaging her "u up?" at 2:35 am. And then they finally get on a phone call basis and Courtney leaves the following voicemail:

"Look, I know you're fat and all, but you can slide down my chimney anytime. Oh, and by the way, you're daddy as f–k."

AAAAAAH. AAAAH, AAAAH, AAAAH, OH MY GOD.

There's moans. There's kiss noises. There's a ravenous-looking little person in a hot pink hat that whips her. Like, get out of town. Dash through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh, and get the f–k out of town. It is riveting.

I'm sure at this point a portion of my studio audience is probably grossed out by the way that a children's figure is being turned into an X-rated punch line. But listen.

Consider this: Christmas, like everything else in the world, has been sexualized forever.

courtney stodden elf

You can act like Christmas is a pure time for family and sugar plum fairies and baby Jesus. Like, there are many different ways that you can celebrate the holiday, and it's fine to approach it in that innocent, wide-eyed way.

But don't sit here and act like this is the first time that the season and particularly Santa Claus has ever been made pornographic. Please. Not when the past century is littered with pin-ups in fur-trimmed lingerie. Not when each year a bunch of girls thot-ify that classic red get-up for SantaCon. Don't think I didn't catch you grinding against Olaf the snowman at McDonaughs last year, Becca. The jig is up.

And that extends to Christmas carols. Courtney is just being more forward than the sexy snoozer, "Santa Baby," which all but promises Santa a handie for a diamond ring in its delivery. And to be honest, I'm more offended that in a post-#MeToo world we're still listening to the Ode to Ignored Consent, "Baby, It's Cold Outside" than anything our bleach-haired goddess could put out.

santa courtney

Say what you want about Courtney Stodden (like, really, she's why comment sections were invented), but her gift is her lack of subtlety. She's not bland, she does everything full gusto, and that's what makes her captivating.

So if Courtney's going to write a sexy Christmas song, she's not beating around the tree. She's putting out a series of musical sext messages about how much she wants to f–k Santa. And you gotta respect that. "Cinnamon tongues" and all.

And also…

mistletoe bikini

I love the color scheme, fight me.

Watch this awe-inspiring Christmas carol below!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO-tGUs8w-k

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