This Hilarious ’90 Day Fiancé’ Relationship Guide Is All the Bad Advice You’ll Need

Age Gaps

Even if you don't follow every guideline in the rest of our "book," as long as you have a shocking and very creepy age gap between yourself and your spouse-to-be, you're pretty much set. Simply find a woman who's young enough to be your daughter, fill her up with lies of your American "millions," fly her to the States, and then relinquish unfair control over her. After all, it's easy to settle any petty relationship argument when you have the trump card of, "Well if you don't like it, you can go back to the Philippines!"

Good ol' Misogyny

If you have trouble dating women in your own country, this trait will especially come in handy while building your dream 90 Day Fiancé relationship. It's easy. Simply blame American women for why you're such a sad, pathetic person. After you've done that, use outdated stereotypes about foreign women (that they're subservient doormats who'll worship you even if you look like Flavor Flav) to confirm your reasonings for flying to Russia to marry a girl you met on a cam site (cough Jorge cough). Having self-awareness and seeing women as bold and independent might distract you from your wifey fantasies.

Cultural Ignorance

Just because you want to marry someone who lives in another country doesn't mean you have to be open-minded about other cultures. In fact, you can be the most clownish, ignorant American in Kentucky (they're always from Kentucky), fly to the Philippines, act like a complete clown, and still come home with a young fiancé. So go ahead! Insult their native food (Larry Passariello). Refuse to respect their religion or customs (Nicole). Straight-up tell your Spanish husband that "there's no such thing as a European dream" (Evelyn Cormier). Your choice of disrespect is up to you!

Language Barriers

If you think your lack of Portuguese is standing in the way of you snagging that Brazilian girlfriend, you're in luck. You don't need to speak a second language or even attempt to learn one. Thanks to technology, you can now lazily use translation apps throughout the entire courtship process. How romantic, right??

When you're ready to propose, a good suggestion is to write "Will you marry me?" in English in the sand. Just like Paul Staehle and Karine Martins' proposal, she'll slowly translate the message as you awkwardly kneel for like five minutes. And, yeah, you're probably thinking, "Wouldn't it be easier to just write the proposal in Portuguese?" No! Logic and respect are for normal relationships, which this is not. Save that mess for The Bachelor.

Ignore the Warnings

So once you're engaged to your fiancé, you're going to experience lots of hostility from your family. In fact, family drama makes up 75 percent of the entire show. So if you think your family is just going to gladly accept your 22-year-old boyfriend from the Dominican Republic who's half your age, you're in for a long 90 days. Expect plenty of awkward dinners, tearful conversations, and even straight-up interventions as your family warns you not to trust that suspiciously handsome dude from Tunisia.

"He's just using you for the green card!" they'll say. But who cares what your family thinks? After all, they do love and care about you and want to keep you from making catastrophically stupid decisions, but your selfish desires for (let's be honest) sex are way more important. Simply ignore the haters until the wedding day, and you'll be good to go.

Be Delusional

If you're getting to the point where you're realizing this relationship is plummeting faster than Roseanne Barr's career, instead of doing the rational thing of calling the wedding off, simply delude yourself into thinking that everything is fine. Of course, things definitely won't turn out fine, but hey, you already bought the wedding dress, so…

15 Minutes of Fame

Now that you've successfully tied the knot to this suspicious-yet-hot stranger, now's the time to milk your relationship until fans get passionately sick of you. Thankfully, there are plenty of spin-offs to do this on, whether it's Before the 90 Days, Happily Ever After, or What Now?

Just look at Nicole and Azan. They've been able to milk their trainwreck of a relationship for three whole seasons, and Azan still doesn't even have his K-1 visa! But the hours and hours of footage of Nicole being a clingy baby and Azan being "a little bit" of a shifty jerk is just too good to ignore. You too can be just as lucky if you follow the steps in this guidebook. Just remember us when you're spending those TLC checks on therapy sessions.