She’s had quite the year. 90 Day Fiancé alum Ashley Martson took to Instagram on Sunday, December 29, to reflect on 2019 ahead of New Year’s Eve. But as TLC fans know, the reality star has been through lots of ups and downs this past year after she split from her ex, Jay Smith, and filed for divorce for a second time. Ashley, 33, admitted that 2019 was a “tough” year for her and that she still loves her ex, but she also shared a message to fans who may be experiencing similar difficult times.

“This is as raw and real as I can be. I’m fighting the tears just typing this. This year has been tough. This photo was taken accidentally the night of my birthday party in New York City. We had just split and I filed for divorce for the second time,” she captioned a selfie of her crying with her makeup running.

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This is as raw and real as I can be. I’m fighting the tears just typing this. This year has been tough. This photo was taken accidentally the night of my birthday party in New York City. We had just split and I filed for divorce for the second time. The tabloids attacked me at my events all week about my failed marriage. He showed up to my party, unannounced. We were civil and had an appearance the next day so it was okay. He said Happy Birthday. He had drinks and hung out with his friends. As I walked out the door and got in the Uber with @ritzy_rina I just lost it. The tears came pouring out. It was the moment I knew… I knew I failed. I failed my marriage, myself, my children. My heart was broken into a million pieces and the walls completely caved in around me. Everything I kept bottled in poured out of my eyes in the back of this Uber. My best friend, who is a true best friend, didn’t even ask. She just began crying as well. She saw me hurt for so long and try and act like I was okay even though she knew I wasn’t okay. She felt my pain and we both just cried. The whole ride to our hotel. I never felt a hurt like this in my life. Ever. I’m not blaming all this on him. That’s not why I’m posting this. I just want men and women to both know it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to cry it out. It’s okay to not be strong all the time. It’s okay to fail. Whats not okay is to let it destroy you. You can, and you will, get back up and begin to pick up the pieces. To this day I still hurt. I still love him. I just have come to terms with the fact it’s over and I’m gonna be okay. So all of you who are struggling please know these feelings are temporary and you will get back to yourself. Time truly does heal wounds. There is no more Ashley and Jay. I’m leaving this post with the final time I speak on us or our marriage. It’s about to be a new year and I’m ready to start a new chapter and not look back. Thank you for all your support through this hard time and a special thank you to @xdestiny_lynnx @ritzy_rina @dolceaestheticsny and @michellee_727 you guys are amazing and I can’t imagine fighting this battle without you. #90dayfiance #tlc #happilyeverafter

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She went on to explain that on the night of her birthday party, Jay, 22, “showed up,” unannounced. “We were civil and had an appearance the next day, so it was okay. He said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ He had drinks and hung out with his friends. As I walked out the door and got in the Uber with @ritzy_rina I just lost it. The tears came pouring out. It was the moment I knew … I knew I failed. I failed my marriage, myself, my children,” she continued.

Ashley said it felt like her heart had broken “into a million pieces.” She explained that since she had been bottling up all of her emotions at the time, they all just came pouring out as she cried in the back of an Uber with her best friend. The Pennsylvania native added that she had never in her life experienced hurt or pain like she felt that night.

“I’m not blaming all this on him. That’s not why I’m posting this. I just want men and women to both know it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to cry it out. It’s okay to not be strong all the time. It’s okay to fail. What’s not okay is to let it destroy you. You can, and you will, get back up and begin to pick up the pieces. To this day, I still hurt. I still love him,” she added. ” I just have come to terms with the fact it’s over and I’m gonna be okay. So all of you who are struggling, please know these feelings are temporary and you will get back to yourself. Time truly does heal wounds. There is no more Ashley and Jay. I’m leaving this post with the final time I speak on us or our marriage. It’s about to be a new year and I’m ready to start a new chapter and not look back.”

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