It’s hardly news that Kailyn Lowry and her ex Chris Lopez have had a tumultuous relationship. Even though Kail called him her “first love,” she also explained that he was her “first real heartbreak.” And over time, they’ve fought plenty, especially over their son, Lux. They’ve also reunited as friends and co-parents for their child’s birthday party. But in the Teen Mom star’s new book, A Letter of Love, which was released on Sept. 21, she reveals that things were more dire than she’s ever let on before, giving fans a glimpse into what went on with them behind the scenes. And according to her, things got violent on more than one occasion. 

Right after Lux’s birth, the couple tried to get back together, but in the first six weeks, she said she was “hurt in so many ways.” “I’ve had my bedroom window broken while the baby was asleep with me in the room,” she wrote according to excerpts shared on Radar. “My back door had been broken while all of my kids were at home… I’ve had s–t about me told to my children,” she continued. “I don’t care if the baby is six weeks old or six years old, a dad should not talk down about the mother of his child.”

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And her son’s father wasn’t there for her in other ways, too. “I’ve been left to take care of everything,” she said, talking about both the financial costs and the care that comes with every day life. “Even the responsibility for all of the baby formula was left up to me. I kind of knew that this would be a possibility, but I guess I just wanted to be proved wrong. Because I can be totally responsible for our child doesn’t mean that I should take care of everything.”

That means that Lux comes before everything else, and without a coparent to help out, it all falls solely on her to sacrifice other things in her life. “I’m up with him at all hours of the night,” she says. “I’m bringing him everywhere I go. Why should I give up my holidays or other milestones with our child? I shouldn’t because I take all of the responsibilities; therefore, I feel like I should get all of the rewards.”

That came into play earlier in the year when Kail and her friends went on vacation to Hawaii — and only then did Chris reach out to see their son. On a July episode of Teen Mom 2, Kail revealed, “Chris texted me. Chris saw that I was in Hawaii and now all of a sudden he’s asking where his son is… But before I came here, he never asked me one time how his son is doing. So now he wants to know and now all a sudden he wants to see his son this week while I’m here. That’s horrible.”

As for the allegations of violence, well, we’ve heard that before too — but from Briana DeJesus, who made the abuse allegations in a comment on Instagram. “She gets beat the f–k up by Chris in front of her kids,” Briana wrote, although Chris later denied it. “Let’s keep my name out of the teen mom drama ok?” he wrote on Twitter. “1 more thing lol I never beat my [baby mama].” Kail also responded on Twitter, but refused to say anything directly. “Some people aren’t even worth the time and energy. I’ve worked too hard on my books and degree to throw it away on someone who runs their mouth for a living.”

But in hind-sight, well, that doesn’t seem too much like a denial — more like she was shading her co-star for speaking out on her issues. And now that we can read her book for ourselves, well, it seems like things are more serious than we ever knew. Luckily, it seems like Kail and Chris have been able to resolve at least some of their issues and learn how to work together. “Sitting back, I got a lot of respect for his mother,” Chris wrote on Instagram about his son Lux. “Raising not only my son but her other boys as well. I don’t know how she does it lol.”

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