Teen Mom Farrah Abraham reveals in the new issue of In Touch—on newsstands now—that two years after she welcomed her baby and mourned the death of her daughter’s father, Derek Underwood, her grief and depression hit their peak.
“All I could think about,” she admits in an emotional interview with In Touch, “was killing myself.”
And these weren’t just idle thoughts: “I figured I would drown myself in the bathtub — that seemed like the easiest way to go.”
Farrah tells In Touch she even imagined the note she might write for her daughter. “I pictured telling her that I missed her daddy, and that I felt overwhelmed by the changes in my life,” says Farrah, “and that she deserved the best and should be surrounded by happiness.”
In the year before her meltdown, she was far from the world’s best mom as she tried to numb the pain with out-of-control partying, drinking and drugs like cocaine and marijuana. “When I drank, I’d be happy for 10 minutes,” says Farrah. “When I got high, I’d feel a sense of nothingness for about an hour. But in the end, my negative emotions always came rushing back.”
In the end, she decided against taking her own life, horrified by the thought of what little Sophia would have to endure. “I realized I was being selfish,” says Farrah. “The most important thing is making sure that [Sophia’s] well taken care of — how am I going to do that if I’m dead?” says Farrah, who has written a memoir, My Teenage Dream Ended, out August 14 on Amazon.com, about her long road back from paralyzing sadness and substance abuse.
“Therapy helped me manage my emotions,” she tells In Touch. “I was diagnosed with clinical depression, so I truly needed medication and frequent sessions with a counselor to get back on track.”
For more on Farrah’s struggle with depression and addiction, her road to recovery and her plans for the future, pick up this week’s issue of In Touch, on stands now.
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