We hope this open letter finds you well! It’s us, In Touch Weekly — huge fans, by the way! But enough about us, this is about you. Is everything okay with you?
Okay, well, we know everything isn’t great. You’re going through a break up with your husband, Nick Cannon. You accused him of “cheating, mother f--ker.” You had a few technical difficulties at the beginning of your tour.
But you’re Mariah freakin’ Carey. You’re better than this!
Let’s examine the evidence. On Oct. 12, you suffered a mild wardrobe malfunction while performing onstage in Chengdu, China. Everyone talked about how you wore the itty, bitty dress that showed your underwear.
Have we mentioned how fabulous we think you are? That said, you know what’s not so fabulous? Wearing an itty, bitty dress that we’d imagine was made for your 3-year-old daughter.
Sooo, what did you do? You continued to wear it. You have also worn this other black dress with a dangerously high-slit. On the bright side, there’s no chance of flashing your underwear, because there’s no chance you’re wearing any underwear with that number.
What exactly are we getting at here, Mimi? Just stop it. Cut the crap. Dress your age, not your wannabe-teenaged-pop-star-fantasy’s bra size.
You have one of the most incredible voices that we have ever heard. Stop acting like you need to rely on stupid, over-the-top and inappropriate costumes to achieve fame and success like some other “singers” we know (though we’re not naming names, we’re sure you can come up with a few).
What should you do from here? Fire the stylist. Dress like a 44-year-old mom while on stage. Donate your costumes to Roe — you know she loves dress up, and we know they will probably fit her better.
When you show Nick what he’s missing, show him the beautiful and sweet woman he married… Not your lady parts.
Don’t stop singing.
Keep reminding everyone what got you here: Your incredible voice and glowing (sometimes-diva-like-though-always-appreciated) personality. Prove to people once and for all that the performers who wear ridiculous, too-sexy costumes are the ones who don’t have the talent to succeed on their own.
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This is going to be a big year for you. We can just feel it. So please — for the love of all that is holy — put it away. Show people what it TRULY means to be an “elusive” chanteuse. Stop emancipating your mimis. All we want for Christmas is you — wrapped up in, like, a sweater or a pant suit or something. Please.
Thanks for listening. Together, we really think we can make this something amazing.