A Moment of Silence for the Forgotten First Husbands of Pop Music Divas

Jason Allen Alexander

Oh man. Though he was later overshadowed by Kevin Federline and his fedora, Jason Allen Alexander had a good 55 hours of fame thanks to his two-day marriage to Britney Spears. Who can forget how the tabloids were splashed with the happy (and totes not intoxicated couple): Britney Spears in her wedding ripped-jeans-and-baseball-cap, Jason hulking over her with that unfortunate Caesar haircut and power-brows. Stunning.

So how did this happen? After a night of clubbing with her childhood friend, the pair put on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and got inspired. Dude, not even kidding.

"It was just so crazy, man," Alexander told Access Hollywood in the aftermath. "We were just looking at each other and said, 'Let's do something wild, crazy. Let's go get married, just for the hell of it.'"

So they hit up Vegas' Little White Wedding Chapel to get hitched in what we can only imagine was a very romantic ceremony. The bellman walked the bride down the aisle. Someone please hand us a tissue.

Obviously, Britney and her people realized that life isn't an episode of Friends and there are serious consequences to f–king up this bad. Jive records positioned it as a joke that had gone "too far." Jason scoffed at this, "I was in love with her," he said in 2012. "I feel like she felt the same way." K.

In any case, the marriage was annulled and that's the last we heard of this guy until he made headlines in 2016 for spending jail time for domestic abuse against a woman he was dating. So in the long run, we guess Britney was better off moving on to KFed.

Well. Maybe.

Jennifer Lopez and Ojani Noa

We've read at least one account that labels Ojani as a "model/waiter," which means he was a waiter. Settle down, boy.

J.Lo and Ojani were married for like a hot second in 1997 and this scrub is legit still trying to capitalize it. In 2009 he was slated to make a mockumentary about their yearlong marriage entitled, How I Married Jennifer Lopez: The J-Lo and Ojani Noa Story. Jennifer and her lawyers rightfully "B—h, plz-ed" that concept before it ever came to fruition.

The thing is, Ojani was apparently salty about Jennifer's (alleged) affairs during that marriage. "The whole movie is about me coming to this country and getting my dream shut down by somebody who I thought was a good person," Ojani said at the time. "I was totally in love with her. I gave my soul to her. It wasn’t my fault she shared it with three people. I was angry."

That much, if it's god-willing true, makes sense. But the vendetta doesn't end there: in the past Ojani has threatened to release "intimate home videos" from their marriage and publish a tell-all memoir. The truly incredulous part is that Ojani seems to believe that the divorce and years of slander truly ended his career.

What, there isn't a TGI Friday's that's hiring?

Jason Bratman

OMFG. How did this happen? Who allowed this? They got together around the Back to Basics era — she looked like the modern reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe and he looked like a guy who just got off a double at a Long Island pizza place. Why? What? Why?

Well, actually, age definitely had to be a factor in this decision: Xtina was only 21 when she met the "music executive." According to a post-divorce interview, she latched onto Jason because he was her "best friend" and "represented stability" and like, we see that. There's no way you look at the above photo and think, "This modern Adonis is going to cheat on her."

But ultimately, they grew apart as people and were constantly fighting, an environment Christina didn't want for her then-toddler son. "Things were so unhealthy and unhappy for both Jordan and me, I knew I had to end it," Christina shared back in 2010. "It wasn’t good for us, and it wasn’t good for Max to witness our arguments. Children can feel when things aren’t right in the home. I had bouts of extreme anxiety."

In short, we're pretty convinced that Xtina has upgraded in all aspects of life.

Mariah Carey and Tommy Mottola

You can really feel the fear in Mariah's eyes here. It jumps off the screen. And that isn't just us making jokes, Mariah was pretty trapped in this relationship. " I had to get permission to leave [the house]," she confessed in 2016.

The thing is, Tommy Mottola is a music executive and had plenty of time to reach that level because he's like 80 now (ok, he's 68). He was also two decades older than Mariah; the two met when she was straight out of high school, and Tommy promised her fame and fortune. He later took credit for that fame and fortune in his memoir, Hitmaker.

"If it seemed like I was controlling, I apologize. Was I obsessive? Yes. But that was also part of the reason for her success," he wrote. Gross.

Mariah feels rightfully scornful about this shlub. "I was with someone at the time who had a lot of control over my life," she said, looking back at the time. "He was older than me by a lot and had a lot of power and he wanted me to remain away from most people, like sequestered."

So basically Tommy was as gross AF, inside and out. No wonder the sparkling superstar was willing to settle for someone who lasted like one and a half seasons on All That (ok, he had The Nick Cannon Show, but let's not pretend that we watched it).