Please raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by Lifetime’s Full House movie, The Unauthorized Full House Story!
Lifetime released the first shot of the cast and, have mercy! We mean that literally, by the way, as in we are BEGGING FOR SOMEONE’S COMPASSION TO PLEASE SPARE OUR CHILDHOODS FROM BEING RUINED!
(Photo Credit: Lifetime)
We don’t even know where to begin.
For the grownups, we have Garrett Brawith as Bob Saget, Justin Mader as Dave Coulier and Justin Gaston as John Stamos’ mullet.
As far as the girls go, different actresses will portray the child stars who played Danny Tanner’s kids at different ages. Shelby Armstrong and Brittney Wilson will play Candace Cameron Bure, Dakota Guppy and Jordyn Olson will take on Jodie Sweetin and three sets of twins — Blaise and Kinslea Todd, Calla and Tyler Jones and Kylie and Jordan Armstrong — will play Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
(Photo Credit: Getty Images)
We really don’t know where to begin. This cast basically looks like the stuffed animal you’d win at a carnival that you know is supposed to be Mickey Mouse, but just… isn’t.
Let’s talk about Uncle Jesse. If you were going to have one of Miley Cyrus’ ex-boyfriends play John Stamos, we would’ve at least liked to see Nick Jonas or Patrick Schwarzenegger don that ridiculous wig!
Fortunately, we have high hopes for the stupid wig — but, again, we mean that literally. Because it’s freakin’ huge.
RELATED: John Stamos Has A Lot to Say About the Netflix Spinoff, Fuller House!
We actually can’t take too much issue with the casting of Bob Saget or Dave Coulier — mostly because we’re pretty sure the Danny Tanner dude is actually just a wax figure of Stephen Colbert and it’s awesome to see Peyton Manning expanding his acting reel!
(Photo Credit: Getty Images)
As for the girls, we don’t understand why they wouldn’t just have Candace Cameron Buré play herself — considering SHE LITERALLY HAS NOT AGED A DAY SINCE FULL HOUSE ENDED!
The Olsen twins/Michelle character pictured is just throwing us off — because she looks like a grown-ass woman in that promotional shot, yet Uncle Jesse has a mullet, which would lead us to believe that Justin Gaston is living in the late 80s — when the twins were babies!
RELATED: Women Ask John Stamos for Selfies After Sleeping With Him
What? You don’t think Full House fans care about continuity?!
The Stephanie casting is actually pretty good… You win this one, Lifetime!
For the curious — and/or if you want to play the inevitable drinking game that will come out of this movie — The Unauthorized Full House Story will air on Lifetime Aug. 22!
For those of you more interested in the AUTHORIZED Full House story, stay tuned as they do press for Fuller House!
In the meantime, here’s a picture of John Stamos’ REAL mullet to cleanse your pallet… You’re welcome!